On Anxiety and Purpose…

Purpose; the reason for which something exists or is done. We, with our powers of moral reasoning and introspection must question our own meaning, what is our reasoning for existence in an all-encompassing and individual level. In a world of hierarchies and categories, churches and states, cultures and communities, where do I fit? More than where I am right now, where do I go from here?

What bothers me most is the constant state of restlessness with this question, and not just a restlessness, a fear of it’s implications. Where do I go from here? That question puts fear into me on a daily basis. In contests with my inner peace, telling me that where I am is never good enough. In a way, that isn’t such a horrible thing; true progress can be made when the fire of restlessness is under you. It can keep you out of stagnancy and resist atrophy. But when that restlessness becomes an anxiety that then impedes your ability to just… be, then what do you do?

Anxiety is more than just the nervousness that comes over you before a presentation. It is more than just fear. It embodies that uneasiness, that restlessness. It becomes a separate being that exists with you, inside your head, making every decision and conversation something to mull over and dissect in excruciating detail. More than that though, it conjures up the endless options and opinions that could lead to a failed opportunity or miscommunication on your part.

The element that links anxiety and depression is that you always come up lacking. It focuses in depth on what could be missing rather than what is there. When we focus on what it is that could be missing, we create a hole within ourselves that needs to be filled. When that hole is created with variables though, it can not and will not be filled. Ever. The vast endlessness of all that could be and is not right now, the entirety of all that was and how it didn’t live up to all we had made it up to be in our minds; this is the cause of depression, the cause of disappointment. Looking at the world this way, there is always more that could have been than what actually is.

When we are disappointed in variables, especially the variables of a past event, we are focusing negatively towards things we cannot change. Our disappointment is then attached to  what we have done or are doing that impedes us in achieving our purpose.

I believe our anxieties are much about what we will leave behind when we leave this Earth. Our time on this planet seems so finite, and with that realization there may be a fear that what we are leaving behind may not be enough, or worse will never come to fruition. In my experience it is always this that stops me before I even begin. I think so much in terms of the end game that I forget to just… be. To live right now, to immerse myself in all the good in my present. The irony of my situation remains that Life is what inspires this anxiety. Life, with all it’s uncertainty and the influx of media capitalism sometimes catches up to me in a way that makes me fell less than, makes me forget what is real. What is real though, is the way that I felt when I was a small child. That kind of optimism that trumped fear, the way I did things simply because they brought me simple joys, not because I thought that they would necessarily put me closer on some invisible path to a success yet seen. With this I want to encourage myself and others to find joy in very simple things. The smell of freshly laundered sheets, the sun that peaks through at intervals on an overcast day, holding a hot drink in gloved hands on a cold day, the touch of a loved one’s hand. I want to remember to find joy in getting completely lost in a story, to the point where, when I look up from the page, I’m transported back to reality.

Auditions are being held for you to be yourself. Apply within.

I want to find peace in my present capacity; for doing everything in my power to appreciate every breath in my body, right now, as it is happening. I want to realize that I am not lost, not broken, not doomed and that it is never too late to do more for yourself, to be kinder to yourself, to love yourself fully and without judgement. I find that the more I am content within myself, the easier it is to improve myself and that it feels less like a revision and more like an upgrade. In essence what I am trying to convey is that just because our purpose has not been realized at the present moment, just because you are not where you would like to be right now, does not mean that you have failed. You have failed no one.

Buddha quote

Your capacity for being has already been realized by the universe. There is no mistake that you can make, no wrong way you can turn as long as you live life, truly live it with joy and acceptance. No one need be nervous or concerned over what they might have missed, as long as you believe that what you need is already available to you. Purpose is not gained, purpose is realized. It is not some material object we must seek out, it exists within ourselves. Life is the journey to realize our purpose, not acquire it. What a wonderful feeling it would be to have this clarity all the time. While our purpose may be unique and individual I believe that we may come across it in very similar ways. Do the things you love, do them with the joy of a child, with fresh eyes every morning and be grateful every day for the opportunity to realize it more within yourself.

images: azquotes, pinterest, schanellis